I really love when my sister comes to visit. She’s one of my best friends and the only girl I can be myself around.
But in the same note, I’m once again back to feeling so inferior. Because she’s e strength athlete and strong and thinner than me again and has a perfect body and doesn’t drink or indulge or anything that u like to do when we visit. I realize even more how I’ve just become the fat lazy blob of a sister again and she’s so much better than me in every way and the worst part is that I know that she feels that way too. We were never close when I was at my smallest. Because there’s always been that extreme jealousy between us. Even though I’m the younger sister and I should be smaller, it’s just never worked out that way.
I’m just so uncomfortable and sad that I’m fat again, and that I obviously lack the motivation to make myself better.
I spent the entire night not being able to sleep because of one stupid comment about another woman. I laid on the couch wondering how I’ll EVER lose enough weight to not feel so awful about men’s affinity for impossibly small/skinny/attractive women.
I can feel myself slipping back into the thoughts I had when I was dating shane, and it feels so bad. I just want to feel like I’m not constantly in danger of being left for a better version of me.